let it fall.

6. crying (a natural human response to frustration, sadness, pain, or fear)

you always got mad when i would cry. you literally would get angry at me. it doesn't matter why i cried or if it was warranted but it's never been acceptable. you said it makes you feel guilty. even if i cried for no reason other than being hormonal. i tried to fight it. i'd try my hardest to hold it in but it seemed like your disdain for my tears only begged for them more. 

you would yell. you would leave. you would give me reasons to cry. i started viewing my cries as weakness. i hated myself for being unable to control my emotions. the hot flow slowly rolling down my face was just evidence of my defeat.  

i'm glad the last time i saw you i didn't cry. i just turned and walked away. and left you propped up against your car with tears running down your cheeks. 

i still remember the way you smell.

5. cuddling

do you remember the morning i rolled over and put my arm around you and you said, "don't breathe on me."?

i do.

fade into nothingness.

4. mazzy star

"fade into you" on the album "so tonight that i might see is" is obviously one of the sexiest songs ever written. i loved that song, but even more so i loved the idea of sharing it with you. the person i loved and wanted to share my life with. 

i found the cd in the used bin at recycled books and excitedly bought it. it seems like one of those albums you forget about unless you are in the situation to need it. i started planning how i was gonna pull off a romantic evening with the song being the apex of the night.

it all went well. lovley dinner, at least we were getting along. i got you just the right amount of drunk. we went to my room and i put the cd on. things were going well, til you stopped me and asked me to change the music. i asked why. 

your response was, "this song makes me think about other girls."

i still want to love the song and share it with someone special someday, but i'm afraid it'll always make me think of you.

the shirt off my back.

3. my favorite slayer shirt

so after we got back together this last time you were trying to convince me of how much you had missed me and thought about me the whole time we were apart. despite the fact you had left me for another girl while i went home to visit my family (but that's for another day). 

you told me a story, which in your way demonstrated how heartbroken and regretful you were. your new girlfriend came to visit you one day after work. she apparently wanted to get more comfortable and asked to borrow one of your tee shirts. you told her they were in the closet and to help herself.

she came out wearing my favorite slayer shirt. the shirt i had been looking for for months. you said you forgot it was in there. your reason for telling me about this situation was because you wished i was the one in the shirt in your apartment. 

you let her wear my favorite shirt all day and didn't tell her to change it. and then you told me about it, as if it would make me feel sorry for you.

as soon i got my shirt back i wore it for almost three months straight, hoping to run into her with my shirt on and you by my side. 

but i will always see her when i'm wearing it, looking in the mirror.

my mom stopped giving you chances this day.

2. mall salons

remember the time i got my haircut at the mall?

i just decided on a whim to get a new do. i was in the  mall and stopped in one of those little beauty supply shops with a salon in the back. i made the mistake of not asking their prices before i jumped into the chair. i was excited about my new hair and i remember wondering if you would notice it without me saying anything. i doubt you would've. 

i went to pay and realized i didn't have enough money because i wasn't expecting a $6o haircut from a cheap looking place in the mall. i panicked i only had 50 bucks. i'm not sure if i tried to call someone else first, but i knew you were in the area with your dad. i called you and explained the situation. you seemed a little annoyed but agreed to bring me some money. it was so embarrassing to explain the situation to the stylist waiting to be paid. i stood there and felt so dumb for getting myself into this situation. i knew at least now you'd notice my hair.

you made the already embarrassing situation worse when you finally showed up, walked in, threw a twenty down on the counter and walked out. i don't think you even looked at me.

i cried the whole way home and hated my haircut. 

it seems fitting to start with valentines day.

1. Valentines Day

I never really cared about Valentines day too much. I try not to allow myself to be swept up in by all the cheesy gifts and sentiments. People always go on and on about how it is a holiday manufactured for the sole purpose of selling more candy and cards. May be true, but there is always a small part of me thats wonders if I'll have flowers delivered to work or a heart-felt card. I can't help it, it's the girly girl in me (I did love Disney World as much as I wanted to hate it).

In all the 8 years with you I've never been surprised by flowers...or come to think of it, a heart-felt card. 

But I'll never forget the day you truly ruined it.

I arrived to your fathers house (where you were living at the time) early evening Valentine's Day 2003. You were sweet and presented me with a V Day gift bag. It was obviously a little cheesy, but I was pleasantly surprised to receive anything at all. I pulled each item out and didn't really know how to react or what an appropriate response would be. First, a little stuffed teddy bear holding a heart that read "I love you." Next, a box of chocolates. (All so predictable, but still-you got me something!!) A bottle of wine. I don't know the cheap stuff from the classy, but I do like wine. 

And at the bottom of the bag a receipt from 7-11 for your thoughtful purchases 30 minutes before I arrived.